Drivers Today: Willfully Ignorant or Woefully Misinformed?

"Lets Just Drive" (lets-just-drive) 10/02/2013 at 19:20 • Filed to: RANTS

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Hello friends!

I've reached a conclusion, and I'd like to share it with you. It is this; the modern driver is either a willfully ignorant asshat or a woefully misinformed doofus. Okay, so it's not all that shocking a conclusion, or even a revelation at that. I've known that the average, modern driver represents the lowest iteration on the skill tree since the dawn of the automobile and chances are that you feel the same.

Now, I don't know about you but when I witness the unbridled, unfettered oblivious entitlement with which most modern drivers operate it makes my blood boil, my skin crawl and causes my mouth to utter the most foul, unbecoming commentary in all of Christendom. So, what I have decided is this - I'm going to use Oppo as my sounding board and my own, personal blow off valve. The advantages are obvious! For one, my very pregnant wife won't have to suffer the brunt of my outrage when vocalizing my contemptuous ire at that driver, or those drivers, just because she's in the car with me. For two, my rants and rages may me amusing to you, or at the very least, troll-worthy. Let's have at it, I say.

I've decided to call this column " Drivers Today " in contrast to the idealized era of driving, which was supposedly somewhere in the past but may not have ever really existed... a lot like the idealized version of 1950's Middle America. Why? Because I chose to believe the lie, the lie that would deceive us into believing that the glory days have come and gone, and that the future need not be so grim as it seems. Join me, friends. Drink the Koolaid.

To begin, I'm calling out the Lane-Inventing Pioneer.

You probably know one. In fact, you're probably guilty of the crime. Most of us are because it seems like such a small, innocent thing. There's a car in the lane ahead of you. He's turning left, waiting for a break in on-coming traffic or perhaps the relief of the yellow light, at least. You think, "No problem, I'll just squeeze around him."

You've just invented the Intersection Middle Lane which, much like the Bermuda Triangle, only exists when you want it to. "I don't know honey. We were sailing, got lost in the Bermuda Triangle for a week and met this Mermaid who has since turned into a woman and I'm running away with her. Keep the kids." You don't care if that driver ahead of you decides to turn off his signal and proceed straight. You don't care about the guy in the oncoming lane who is making his own left turn across the lane, and the lane you've just invented. You only care about making the green light damn it!

Ah, but imagined middle lanes aren't the only ones and, in fact, pale when compared to my personal favorite; the Turning Lane To Nowhere. There's a car, or three, ahead of you at that red light. All in queue, waiting for the light to turn green. Maybe one of them has a right-hand indicator engaged. But you, you don't give a fuck because you have no more fucks to give. You're not waiting, you're inventing a turning lane and getting the fuck on. So, you snuggle up beside the cars legally in the lane, looking something like a confused person trying to park, then shuttle off around the corner. Huzzah! Except, you didn't pay attention to that bicycle, that pedestrian or that car ahead of you with its signal on legally awaiting his or her turn to turn. Why? Because fuck you. It's harmless.

Why wait your turn, right? When there's a way through, you take it. It's like Senna said about not going for a gap, because racecar driver. Except, you're not. You're just like me, and just like everyone else playing the Commuter Game. Your time isn't more important than mine, or theirs, and through that kind of behavior you betray yourself as being either an arrogant asshat or an ignorant asshole. Either way, that shit smell is going to linger.

Next up, we're going to take a look at the family group; I'm Parked, Fuck You.

In this group we have a wide variety of offenders who ultimately accomplish the same goal - they fuck you out of a parking space. These aren't the sneak thief spies who follow you through the lot, then snipe your spot in a spot of spot on parking. These are the morons who, through their indifference, waste so much space in their shitty efforts to park that you, the courteous driver and parker, get fucked. They park parallel to a curb, a foot and a half off of it and with six feet between their rear bumper and the car behind... and another four lost ahead. They pull in, park, call it a day and walk away never bothering to think, "Well, I've parked but what about all this space I've wasted? I bet a car could fit in there if I just pulled up a little." I met one the other day, parking at the same moment I was pulling up, and made a kindly comment. I said, "If you pulled up about three feet there would be room behind you for another car." And this fellow, he smiled, thanked me, and parked properly. I tend to think he's in the minority and that most people would just shrug and walk away. They, the shruggists, are the same folks who cannot even park perpendicular to the curb without putting a wheel into the space beside them, or ensuring door-dings with their proximity to one side or the other. Even in a side-by-side lot, these are the berks who cannot be bothered to consider their fellow man, the people who care so little about their own car they cannot fathom why you're so upset about that ding they put in your door.

The Poorly Parker and the Lane Locator both suffer from the same problem and it is one which can be resolved through proper education. They both suffer from a sense of oblivious entitlement - they feel that they're doing nothing wrong, often because they were never educated correctly and that, my friend, is the root of my every rant. We live in increasingly dense cities, we're putting more and more cars on the roads every day and we all need to do the same things such as getting to work, picking up our kids, or checking in with our parole officers yet we all act with the impunity of uniqueness. We think, "I'm entitled," and we couple that with a lack of observation, a lack of awareness. It's a dangerous combination my friends, a rot making its way through the core of our society, but when it shows up on the roads I say, "Enough!" and like Braveheart cry out, as my entrails are drawn, for "FREEDOM!" and it's the kind of Freedom that comes with civic responsibility and sparing a thought for your fellow man.

Rant over.

55Buick, Oversteer Scientist > Lets Just Drive 10/02/2013 at 19:28

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I'm not really sure (I'm 15 and have neither driven nor parked before, so correct me if I'm wrong,)but if you're parked in such a way that moving forward 3 feet forward would open up a spot, wouldn't that spot be a pretty tight squeeze? Especially when another asshat comes up and thinks, "oh I can totally fit there" and ends up smashing your bumper. I just think that if 3 feet is the difference between "a spot" and "not a spot," maybe it's too small anyway?

Mattbob > Lets Just Drive 10/02/2013 at 19:30

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I have to cop to inventing a lane today... but it went wrong. My lane inventing got compounded because the guy I sidled up next to was apparently going right as well. He just opted to not signal a turn or even maneuver his car in such a way that would hint that he was planning on going left. Well this made for an awkward moment.

Mattbob > Mattbob 10/02/2013 at 19:32

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also just a note, I made absolutely sure he wasn't signalling, and double checked for one when he started to turn those wheels. no signal.

webmonkees > Lets Just Drive 10/02/2013 at 19:33

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For driver's ed class one day, I was first in the car. Had to back a full size Caprice out of a parking garage. Everything else was easier from there.

Lets Just Drive > 55Buick, Oversteer Scientist 10/02/2013 at 19:35

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Yes, but also no.

The root of the rant is directed at the attitude, not the act. If everyone could get over themselves, then no, it wouldn't be a problem because the same mentality that says, "I should make room" would be the same moral ethic we'd rely on for, "I'm not going to damage this persons property."

I'm not a Christian, let's get that clear. I'm a pussy Agnostic.

That said, the idea that you should do unto others as you'd like done unto you is pretty fucking sound logic.

Plus, if you're only 15 and an Opponaut, you're not going to grow up to be part of the problem. That's just the nature of being an Opponaut.

Atomic Buffalo > Lets Just Drive 10/02/2013 at 19:35

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I don't think it's entitlement; I think a lot of people just suck at learning and lack spatial reasoning. What looks like a shrugging "good enough" is in fact their best effort; what seems a me-before-you lane dive is in fact an earnest attempt to get past someone who seems stuck and unable to function — because the funny thing about incompetents is that they often don't know they're incompetent.

Lets Just Drive > Mattbob 10/02/2013 at 19:36

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That's all good, but it's also kind of like making sure no one is looking while your dog takes a shit on someones lawn, which you have no intention of picking up.

Being an asshat, even with the best of intentions, is still asshatery.

Lets Just Drive > webmonkees 10/02/2013 at 19:37

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Drivers Education, in schools, is a good thing I think. It just needs to go further, it needs to be undertaken with all the seriousness of Math, because you drive more often than you do long division.

Lets Just Drive > Atomic Buffalo 10/02/2013 at 19:40

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Agreed but not excused. Incompetency isn't a valid excuse here. It might be for, "I don't know how to wipe my ass which is why someone has to do it for me." But, as with guns, it's not a good enough excuse with cars that can, you know, kill people.

Atomic Buffalo > Lets Just Drive 10/02/2013 at 20:03

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The de facto necessity of automobiles to be a productive member of society means, at least in America, incompetence is an accepted excuse for these driving behaviors we hate. Odds of them losing their license over a series of non-injury moving violations due to simple incompetence? Not so great. In a very real sense they ARE entitled.

Wish we could fix it.

Lets Just Drive > Atomic Buffalo 10/02/2013 at 20:09

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Exactly my point.

We're pretty clear on what the problem is, and pretty clear on how to fix it, but we also are pretty clear in our understanding of the fact that those changes will likely never come to bare and as a result cars will just keep getting more friendly to the oblivious, entitled drivers while we, the enthusiastic few, shiver in the rain.

Atomic Buffalo > Lets Just Drive 10/02/2013 at 20:10

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Patience. Google will fix it.

Lets Just Drive > Atomic Buffalo 10/02/2013 at 20:13

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I don't much like that solution, either.

Unless it's paired with a very clear intention to get the "I don't wanna drive" drivers into self driving cars while the "I just wanna drive" drivers get their own lanes. My real fear with the advent of the self driving car, if they ever go into practical use, is a future where all cars are self driven and we don't have the choice to drive our own, let alone row our own.

55Buick, Oversteer Scientist > Lets Just Drive 10/02/2013 at 20:20

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I gotcha. I agree with you, too. I see idiotic driving all the time.

Atomic Buffalo > Lets Just Drive 10/02/2013 at 20:25

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I think the gap between "self-driving cars are commonly and cheaply obtained" and "self-driving cars are so much better than human drivers that driving is banned" will be significant and the latter milestone will come after we're both dead. In between there will probably be a much more restrictive driver's license program, and perhaps a period when we'll have to drive old cars because new ones don't have controls (or are so joyless they might as well not have controls).

Long story short, I think we'll live to see relief from other people's self-driving cars but die before they pry the steering wheel from our fingers.

Lets Just Drive > Atomic Buffalo 10/02/2013 at 20:31

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In the paraphrased words of a dead ape-hater, "You can have my steering wheel when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers!"

Atomic Buffalo > Lets Just Drive 10/02/2013 at 20:40

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I see that you know what I am saying.